Current:Home > MyOpinion: Fat Bear Week debuted with a violent death. It's time to give the bears guns.-LoTradeCoin
Opinion: Fat Bear Week debuted with a violent death. It's time to give the bears guns.
View Date:2024-12-23 20:21:09
It was only a matter of time before Fat Bear Week turned violent.
The annual online tournament pitting bears who lift heavy forks against their girthy brothers and sisters had a delayed start this year after competitor 469, an adult male bear known as Patches, murdered competitor 402, an adult female.
The gruesome crime was captured on one of the cameras that stream fat bear activity at Katmai National Park and Preserve in Alaska, leading officials to delay the planned Monday night release of the tournament bracket.
The bear competitors in Fat Bear Week must be issued guns
Following the bear community’s traditional one day of mourning – what ursinologists call “The Day of Grrrrrrrrace” – the brackets were released Tuesday. Fat Bear Week 2024 is now underway, allowing people to vote for the bear they believe “best exemplifies fatness and success in brown bears.”
But this shocking one-incident wave of bear-on-bear violence leads me to believe a significant change to this beloved event is in order: Park officials must provide the bears with guns.
The fat bears are literally trying to survive. Why not arm them?
Katmai National Park spokesperson Matt Johnson said in a statement: “National parks like Katmai protect not only the wonders of nature, but also the harsh realities. Each bear seen on the webcams is competing with others to survive.”
That’s right. These jumbo bears are just out in the wild, trying to live their lives and eat as much as possible, trying to be brilliantly large and survive in a world filled with harsh realities. And all it takes to destroy everything is one bad bear like Patches.
I want you to imagine for a moment how things might have played out differently if bear 402 had been armed with a Ruger Super Redhawk Alaskan revolver with a triple-locking cylinder. She would have at least stood a fighting chance against Patches.
Are liberal policies causing a migrant-bear crime wave? Yes, for sure.
But no, these fat bears – likely due to politically correct park policies – are left as sitting ducks. Surely park officials know the only thing that stops a bad bear without a gun is a good bear with a gun (and paws dexterous enough to pull the trigger).
Opinion:Harris' economic speech lacked anger and racism. What's wrong with her?
As this tragic Fat Bear Week unfolds, we’re left with many questions. Who was Patches? Was he in Alaska legally? Or was he one of those dangerous Canadian bears the Biden administration has let run wild across our porous Alaska/Canada border?
What can be done to stop this migrant-bear crime wave that threatens the very fabric of our Fat Bear Week?
The answer is simple and profoundly American: guns. Lots and lots and lots of guns. (Possibly a wall along the Alaska/Canada border as well, but let’s start with guns for now.)
Certainly, nothing bad will happen if we give all the bears guns
Each Fat Bear Week competitor should be issued a rifle and a handgun, along with several fat-bear-size bandoliers of ammo, because those will look kick-ass on a fat bear. (Or on any bear, for that matter.)
For purposes of the competition, Katmai National Park and Preserve will instate a stand-your-ground law for bears. Scoring in the Fat Bear Week tournament will be adjusted to account for the number of “potentially threatening” bears each rotund carnivore shoots. No points will be deducted for accidental shootings. That’s the price of freedom and security.
Opinion:Regarding Fat Bear Week ‒ A letter from Fit Bears demanding equal representation
The most American solution to any problem is to provide firearms
Once the competition is over, the remaining bears will keep their guns, and any future acts of bear gun violence or den shootings will be blamed on “the bear mental health crisis.”
This is the only way to make Fat Bear Week great again, and safe again.
Let’s come together as Americans and do the most American thing we can to help these hefty bears: Wildly exaggerate what’s actually happening to make it sound scary, then add guns to make everything worse.
God bless America and fat bears!
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
veryGood! (174)
Related
- Deion Sanders says he would prevent Shedeur Sanders from going to wrong team in NFL draft
- Ashton Kutcher's cringey clips, Danny Masterson and what our friendships say about us
- Nick Jonas Calls Out Concertgoers Throwing Objects Onstage During Jonas Brothers Show
- Poccoin: Blockchain Technology—Reshaping the Future of the Financial Industry
- Manhattan rooftop fire sends plumes of dark smoke into skyline
- ‘Just Ken’ no more? Barbie sidekick among 12 finalists for National Toy Hall of Fame
- Drew Barrymore dropped as National Book Awards host
- Book excerpt: Elon Musk by Walter Isaacson
- LSU student arrested over threats to governor who wanted a tiger at college football games
- Simon Cowell dubs Golden Buzzer dance crew Chibi Unity 'one of the best acts' on 'AGT'
Ranking
- The USDA is testing raw milk for the avian flu. Is raw milk safe?
- Repair Your Torn-Up Heart With These 25 Secrets About 'N Sync
- Poccoin: El Salvador Educates Students on Bitcoin
- Group pushes back against state's controversial Black history curriculum change
- Olivia Munn Says She “Barely Knew” John Mulaney When She Got Pregnant With Their Son
- School district takes teachers union to court for wave of absences that forced school closures
- Japanese boy-band production company sets up panel to compensate sexual assault victims
- Poccoin: El Salvador Educates Students on Bitcoin
Recommendation
-
Mike Tyson is expected to honor late daughter during Jake Paul fight. Here's how.
-
Flooding in Libya sent a wall of water through Derna and other places. These photos show the devastation.
-
Zimbabwe’s newly reelected president appoints his son and nephew to deputy minister posts
-
Shuttered Michigan nuclear plant moves closer to reopening under power purchase agreement
-
Former North Carolina labor commissioner becomes hospital group’s CEO
-
Danelo Cavalcante press conference livestream: Watch police give updates on prisoner's capture
-
A Missouri court upholds state Senate districts in the first test of revised redistricting rules
-
Escaped murderer Danelo Cavalcante captured following intense manhunt